A Rant but not a rant

I've decided to put myself on a Grail quest. Since I am planning a trip to France in the near future, I thought now was the time.

You do not go on a Grail quest with hopes in ever finding the Grail. Like the saying says
"You do not find the Holy Grail. The Holy Grail finds you."
No. You go on the quest to find yourself. To really see what kind of person you really are. To test yourself for you.

I have many conflicts raging inside of me right now. The heart and the mind battle for control of my soul and I need insight. I need to find who I really am. Most of all, I need peace.

As I finish up my vampire script, Dark Intentions, I really am pondering, what does it mean to be human.
I have crafted a wonderful world for this story to live in, with very deep feelings and people but The Vampire Rodric has left me drained.
Rodric is me. All I have done really, is given a place for my rage and hate to live. The problem now is, do i go further with Rodric? And by further I mean, do i put EVERYTHING that is me, into him? Can i really expose all that I am (or most) for the world to see?
Can I really live with that?
People are shocked that I am really a shy person. I do enjoy the limelight while Im working with Weather Art but only as a group. When that spotlight is turned on me, I want to hide in the shadows.
It was somewhat easier in the past with the ex on my ass about it, but now that shes gone, I have gone right back into my old ways. Shadows and withdrawl is the best course of action.
I want to finish this script up. I want to play the part of Rodric. i want to direct the film but thats it. I have ZERO desire to do interviews or sit at film festivals with hundreds of people staring at me.

Back to Rodric... I have decided to go ahead and pour everything that is me into him. I really have no choice in the matter. Rodric has grown to big for me to control anymore. If I put a limit on him it will hurt the story. It will hurt the the story of him and Destiny. And that is a story that needs to be told. A story that will show that no matter the distance,lies,pain.confusion, love can change a person and bring that person back from madness.
Kind of like me.

So all of this is floating in my head. Im a bit lonely, facing all of it on my own without anyone to share it with. Its part of the reason why I am posting it here. But this is the road that I am on and I have to make the best of it. Too many wonderful things are happing right now but sometimes, even all of the wonderful things mean nothing when you cant share it with someone.

It is what it is yo.
Well real life calls so Im off
Im going to leave you with a picture that means alot to me.
Keeping my head up
Adam

What I believe

In crying time,curse. In silent time, understand. In alone time, write. In love time cherish!
In the here and now, remember. History is for the dead to enjoy.
Eternity only loves the future.
The followers of wisdom understand the joys of excess.
Those who only desire but never act upon are the kings of fools.
Dip him in the night sky, who dares to dream.
Pleasure is measured by minutes, Joy by hours, Wisdom by years, Love, by the ages.
If there is a God then there is a Goddess.
A damage mind accepts not injuries.
A broken heart seeks repair, not fear.
Control is shames responce to wanted power.
Religion for the unexplained, Science for the truth.
The nakedness of the woman you love is the work of the Goddess. Worship her nightly.
Never try to break the broken.
Love impregnates. Lust aborts.
Excess of sex kills. Excess of love creats anew.
What was once rebellion is now common law.
To kill poet, remove the pen. To kill a fool, remove wisdom. To kill a virgin, remove doubt. To kill all religion, remove all falsehoods.
To create laughter is a joyous girt. To create trust is a divine labor.
Children are vessels of truth. Protect their voyage!
Be a slave of love not a master of sex.
For a love lost, toast to a new song
Forever is the mind that stays young
Passion is only once in a lifetime. Know your role and get lost in her eyes!
Love only the woman whos touch clears your mind and calms your rage
Desire only the one and cast dust on the rest.
Be strong of the mind, quick of the heart, and smile at the unknown
Miss only that which is worth missing
Every poem, story, and painting is a unfinished work. View love in the same course and enjoy is many great mysteries while holding your lover's hand

Sour still

Sour is the mind that throws away passion for loneiness.


From the time temple a carnival for the heart that made you
tamed you into being
Waves of new connections
tall shadows and the writings that
fell and failed
Nostrils inlarged by the smell of the stale one
Mix and match
this and that
till you find the truth that
you are looking for

Words and pictures cannot tame what should have been


In the box nap
in the flame trap
in the lost gap
nothing matters

You will never find the Utopia in propagation or shadow


Its always the phatom that drives us insane


everything is opposite today
The daughter of dust makes it so.
Im tall-feel small
Im happy-crying inside.
Im alive-heart is dying


Mainstream graves make wonderful hand grenades
for the hippie and the wanna-be poets to smoke about and write away
We hate the endless schedules and the time princes but preach away and shine spotlights
on our fever shows aboard the train of "Look at me! I am having fun"
Are you son?
Wheres the picture of you after the fools left?
Who took that part of me with them?


The heart is always the first to feel the mental version of a strong poverty

I remember the parking lot and the guard that caught us
What a night
A night that shoul have never happened

The sand and its brother the moon
guide me help me to understand the puzzle
The puzzle that I cannot fix
The future made only in ways I do not want or care to know
I just wish to find a nice tomb to forever dream in
Peace
wisdom
darkness
Wish to be me again
or die in my sleep

The war again

The scars you carry will lead you to the road of pardise



Do you understand the progress made into our very existence?
Bat a eyelash
tell a tale under the stars
Feel the symbols of our mothers and the milk
that gives visions...in caves
Believe again in mockery
Journey with me a while still as I just want to hold
your eyes a little while longer

Clean the index of love
within the spite of climax
a cure for blindness awaits


Give me color again so i may breathe these myths
dust covered in August
September is not much better as the heart and mind battle on and on and on
The war rages again
Heart and mind conquer something
on the battlefield of my soul
Miss her I do
Hate her i do
Love her I do
Forgot her I will
A new decree
I promise she will leave


I can invent worlds to play in or believe in..
I just can not construct a world without you in it


Within the backwards womb I stabbed at my chest until everything bleeds out
Everything fresh and raw as I struggle home
She is fucking someone new
My fallen goddess and the failed dream in my tears.
I cried in the darkness of my room without a care for the re-birth was coming
Smell the debt on my soul dumb girl
I will kill your ghost by casting it out into truth

There is no solace in forgiveness.

She wrote words on my arm in a dream
lighted arm as the ink flew into my veins
My great work she said
She said alot and meant none of it.
I am the clown who believed


We kill love through sex and eventually life will die because of it

In my bed lies a new face
with a strange embrace
The cock wants in to this new wet earth of mystery
She screams at my actions
desires more of me.
Wants the passion we all seek as I pound away like a mad man in heat
Best sex ever she says
I've heard that before.

What will I ever do now?
Touch the sky
Always lost in a crowded room
with memories of her slapping me
Where is this epic pussy?
Where is this epic message?
It is only epic if someone else makes it so.